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Description: "I Hate Homework" Syndrome
Lack of interest, motivation or desire to complete homework assignments on a regular basis.

Characteristics:
Denial: I don’t have any homework
Procrastination: Waiting until the last minute to start
Poor judgment: Studying for exams the night before
Poor work habits: Constant interruptions/breaks during study time
Avoidance: Lack of understanding of subject matter

Onset:
Students of "homework" age (grades 4 – 12).

Assessment:
Most students from middle school on have daily assignments. Students who don't do homework daily risk academic failure, poor self esteem, lack of confidence and eroded family relationships.

Solutions:
Parent/teacher/student conferences
Professional help
Parent/student homework contracts (see tips)

Outcomes:
Improved knowledge and better grades, good family relationships, solid study skills, self confidence and healthy self esteem.

Tips to Tackle the "I Hate Homework" Syndrome

Today, homework is not a reinforcement of classroom content that was common in the past. Now it's assigned to teach new skills or provide information not covered in class. It may not even be corrected or graded so it's little wonder students may decide it's unnecessary or unimportant.

However, ignoring homework has serious consequences. Material key to a course may never be learned resulting in failure. Poor grades may lower self esteem. When the homework issue becomes a bone of contention family relationships are strained. If it’s an ongoing hassle at your house, be assured that you’re not unique – it’s quite common. It’s also resolvable.
Consider these tips:

Create an appropriate study environment
• Designate a location at home that is stocked with supplies
• Set a study time that’s a regular part of the home routine
• Plan for parents and other siblings to engage in a quiet activity
• Set a positive atmosphere around homework but be clear and definite that homework is the student’s responsibility.

Offer support
• Encourage students to be independent but be available for
assistance as needed
• Don’t do the homework or project or run out for materials if a child
forgets; help them find ways to remember
• Procrastination may indicate uncertainty on how to do the work or fear of the effort required to get started. If this sounds familiar, help
them get started.

Observe
• Be certain that the student understands the material (content) to be learned
• Determine if he/she works best from the hardest to the easiest assignment or vice versa
• Allow breaks when attention fades (no more than 10 minutes)
• Monitor assignment directions; they may be unclear. For continuing problems, contact the teacher
• Children need time to absorb information. A child who is over scheduled may not have time to really learn.

Emphasize good study skills
• Encourage writing homework assignments in an assignment book
• Use a study plan such as SQ3R (survey, question, read, recite, review).
• Create a calendar for long term projects, quizzes, tests and special activities. Review it daily.

Provide incentives
• Praise effort expended
• Set up an incentive system with realistic rewards
• Together write a homework contract that spells out all expectations, rewards and consequences
• Even when students do homework independently, make sure it’s completed before privileges are awarded.

Good luck!

Reading for More Tips

"Homework Without Tears" by Lee Canter and Lee Hausner, PhD
"Teaching the Tiger" by Marilyn P. Dornbush, PhD and Sheryl K. Pruitt, M Ed for students with attention difficulties.

If you’re battling the "I Hate Homework" syndrome and your best efforts aren’t yielding results, consider consulting a learning specialist.

Procrastinating kids! What’s a parent to do?

Assessment:
Procrastination is common. Children who procrastinate suffer from guilt and anxiety, fear and anger. Chronic procrastination merits parental attention and support to modify the behavior and restore
the child’s confidence.

Solutions:
• Parental guidance helps children develop positive habits
and attitudes.
• Goal setting and positive rewards establish and reinforce
good habits.
• Professional guidance through the Center for Psychological
Services helps determine the cause and provides ways to
establish positive behaviors.

Outcomes:
Improved self confidence and sense of accomplishment.
Greater autonomy and independence.
A sense of mastery and freedom.

The Problem

Procrastination is a common, persistent behavior in which one avoids or postpones tackling a task. Most people have experienced the anxiety and guilt that are often triggered by putting off a job that needs to be done.

At a recent workshop given at a private high school, over 80 students enrolled themselves. Teachers, students and parents alike report that procrastination is a pervasive problem at even the best prep schools and universities.

Students report myriad reasons for not completing or even starting important tasks. "The stuff is so boring. It doesn’t mean anything to me." "I don’t know where to begin." "I’ll probably do a bad job and my parents will be angry."

Fear, boredom, anger or dislike generally indicates the use of procrastination as a survival strategy. So how can you as a parent help your child to develop attitudes and habits that will preclude the use of "the waiting game" as a means for dealing with difficult or onerous tasks?

Set Clear Expectations
Children may develop a procrastinator’s stance to deal with overly demanding or unclear parental expectations. Help your child by setting reasonable performance expectations based on their age, level of maturity and particular talents or interests. Make sure the child understands exactly what is expected and do not link the child’s level of achievement to their worth as a human being. Let your child know they are esteemed and valued for who they are not for what they achieve.

Establish Goals
Even young children need meaningful goals to establish priorities in life. This is even more critical for adolescents who are developing independent identities and value systems that will serve them as adults.

Procrastination may represent a child’s way of establishing independence if parents don’t allow for choices based on the youngster’s own priorities and goals. Parents can help by encouraging a child to share ideas and help clarify their thinking about the issues and responsibilities they face.

Teach Time Management
Making the effort to teach time management and organization skills empowers a child to plan effectively and achieve success in the tasks at hand. It’s easy for kids to become overwhelmed with the demands of a long-term assignment or an activity with which they have little experience. Helping them break down a complicated job into small tasks makes a project manageable.

Provide Rewards
A project completed or a goal reached should be rewarded. Just as adults appreciate a raise, bonus or commendation children too thrive on receiving praise and special privileges. This is just as true for reaching the sub-goals as for completing the entire task. Keep in mind that the younger the child, the more immediately the reward needs to follow on the heels of completing the task.

Life’s Realities
Day-to-day life presents tasks that require persistence in the face of boredom, setbacks and unforeseen difficulties. If we can teach our children to recognize and reward themselves for each completion, they will learn that beginning and persevering in a task brings a sense of mastery and freedom.

Highlights from an article by Judith Jackson, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in individual and family therapy.

For additional information and help with "Procrastinating Kids," or for more information, assistance, guidance or recommendations on other family, marital or mental health issues, please call the Center for Psychological Services at 610-642-4873.

Anxious Kids and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Description:
Anxiety
A feeling of apprehension, tension, or uneasiness related to the expectation of "something bad" happening.

Characteristics:
(1) Physical distress.
(2) Cognitive distress.
(3) Behavioral distress.

Onset:
School age through adulthood.

Solution:
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
The cognitive-behavioral approach addresses both thoughts and behaviors while emphasizing their reciprocal relationships.

CBT includes:

• Exposure sessions (gradually "facing one’s fear")
  to address the behavioral component.
• Modification of negative to positive self-talk combats the cognitive component.
• Relaxation training minimizes the physiological component.

Outcomes:
Reduced anxiety may be accomplished in as few as 7 to 16 sessions.
Developing anxiety management skills.
Achieving a sense of mastery and freedom.

Anxiety Disorders in Children:
How to recognize them and what you can do.

What is anxiety?
Anxiety is a feeling of apprehension, tension, or uneasiness related to the expectation of "something bad" happening. All children experience anxiety, fear, and worry from time to time. These emotions are normal and not always bad. However, anxiety becomes a problem when it is excessive, long lasting, and prevents children and families from doing things they want or need to do.

How do I know if my child is anxious?
Anxiety consists of several components:

• The physical component comprises bodily reactions such as increased blood pressure, perspiration, heart palpitations and/or muscular tension, nausea and stomach pains.
• The cognitive component involves children’s thoughts about themselves, others and situations; especially, thoughts of unrealistic dangers or excessive worry.
• The behavioral component comprises overt actions such as crying, trembling, and running away.

Are there different types of anxiety disorders?
Anxiety disorders commonly present as:

Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD)
SAD involves developmentally inappropriate fear of separation from home or from caregivers. The disorder often manifests as school refusal (e.g., calls home, frequent trips to the school nurse) or refusal/avoidance of sleeping alone or being left alone. The focus of the worry is that during the separation from parents or caregivers, some danger or harm will befall them or their loved ones (e.g., car accidents, being kidnapped, getting lost). This disorder most frequently affects younger children aged 6 through 9.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD)
Children with GAD are "worriers." They cannot control the numerous worries, and worry more days than not. These children not only worry about an upcoming event, but also about their health, household finances, performance, pet’s health, appearance, punctuality, and the list goes on. They are frequently perfectionists, and if they cannot complete a task perfectly, they won’t complete it at all. Irritability, difficulty sleeping, and restlessness as well as head stomach, and/or muscle aches are common. Generally, this disorder affects children between the ages of 6 and 11.

Social Phobia
Children experiencing social phobia often appear timid and withdrawn. They are overly fearful of humiliation or embarrassment in social situations. Children with social phobias remain quiet for fear of sounding stupid or dumb. Their fears may be generalized and involve all sorts of social situations, or they may be specific to certain situations such as speaking, writing, eating in public, or using public restrooms. In its most severe form, this disorder may present as selective mutism (i.e., failure to speak in situations where speech is expected or necessary).

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
OCD involves recurrent, persistent thoughts and/or images. Examples include thoughts that your hands have germs on them, persistent doubting or mental list making. Additionally, many children with OCD will engage in repetitive behaviors (hand washing, counting, checking, reassurance seeking). These repetitive behaviors are aimed at reducing anxiety/distress or preventing a dreaded event.

Specific Phobia
Specific phobia is by far the most commonly occurring anxiety disorder. It involves an excessive or unreasonable fear of a specific object or situation. Common specific phobias include animals, thunderstorms, dark, needles, heights, water, and blood.

What kind of treatment is most effective for anxiety disorders?
A number of approaches have been used to treat childhood anxiety, most notably behavioral (e.g., reinforcement of desired behaviors, modeling, role-playing) and cognitive (e.g., modification of self-talk, problem-solving training. These approaches are most effective when used in combination -- cognitive-behavioral therapy.

What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?
Cognitive-behavioral approaches address both thoughts and behaviors while emphasizing their reciprocal relationship (i.e., thoughts affect behavior and behavior affects thoughts). Cognitive-behavioral therapies focus on changing maladaptive behaviors and thoughts.
Cognitive-behavioral treatments for anxiety target each of the three components of anxiety (physiological, cognitive, and behavioral) mentioned earlier.

• Relaxation training helps to minimize the physiological component;
• Modification of negative to positive self-talk combats the cognitive component;
• Exposure sessions (gradually "facing one’s fear") address the behavioral component;
• Medications may be used concurrently with cognitive-behavioral therapy.

How long does it take?
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is effective and time-limited: anxiety reduction can be accomplished in as few as seven to sixteen sessions.

What can parents do to help their children manage anxiety?
The key to the successful intervention for anxiety disorders involves understanding the difference between "avoidance" and "approach" behaviors. Understandably, children who fear an object, situation, or event will readily avoid it. While this temporarily reduces anxiety, the child never learns to successfully manage their fear. Continued avoidance often serves to increase, rather than decrease, the original anxiety. "Approach" behaviors are those that encourage children to "face their fears."

This exposure-based approach requires expertise and is best accomplished with the assistance of a psychologist specializing in anxiety disorders.

There are excellent options for the treatment of childhood and adolescent anxiety. The Center for Psychological Services has recently begun the Anxiety Program offering empirically validated cognitive-behavioral treatment for children, adolescents, and adults suffering from anxiety. A confidential assessment can help you determine if the Anxiety Program is right for you and/or your child.

For more information, contact:
Anxiety Program at the Center for Psychological Services
Phone: 610-642-4873, Ext. 52
E-mail: CTRPSYCHSV@aol.com

Creating a Successful Marriage

Happy Marriages are Good for You!

• Researchers have found that a happy marriage can decrease your chances of getting sick by 35 percent.
• A happy marriage reduces emotional wear and tear on the mind and body, which can add an average of four years to your life.
• Happily wedded couples experience fewer physical ailments such as high blood pressure and heart disease; fewer emotional ailments such as anxiety and depression, and have fewer episodes of violence, substance abuse and even suicide.

Characteristics of a Happy Marriage

Happily married couples have emotionally intelligent marriages. They emphasize their positive thoughts over the negative ones. They use the valuable skills of effective communication and emotional literacy.

• They honor their partner’s world with understanding and respect.
• They turn towards each other, rather than away, and have learned healthy conflict behaviors.
• They are flexible.
• They share stories, memories and dreams, which help, create shared meaning and purpose in the marriage.

Quick Tips for Couples

1) Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
2) Manage Your Emotions
3) Use "I" Statements
4) Speak Non-defensively
5) Empathize and Validate your Partners Thoughts and Feelings
6) Value the Sense of Togetherness
7) Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
8) Understand Yourself and Your Own Feelings
9) Have Fun Together
10) Know When to Get Help

What Couples Can Do to Create Successful, Emotionally Intelligent Marriages.

While marriage is one of the biggest challenges life offers, there are many skills that can be learned to manage disagreements and conflict. For example, understanding the cause of the conflict is a crucial step toward learning how to live with one another while respecting your differences. Experienced mental health professionals, in the following settings, usually teach these skills:

• Individual Counseling can lead to expanded self-awareness, enhance the client’s ability to take increased personal responsibility for their choices and behaviors, and learn more effective life strategies.
• Couples Counseling provides opportunities for learning to successfully negotiate conflict, create shared meaning through dialogue and increase the couple’s sense of safety and intimacy with one another.
• Couples Workshops provide a time-limited laboratory for jointly learning more about the stages of marital relationships, why we choose the partners we do and how marriage can enhance our personal growth over time.
  
  Through these interventions, people learn to:
  • Provide Acknowledgment
  • Engage in daily dialogue
  • Listen to understand without judgment
  • Agree to disagree with respect
  • Seek solutions without blame
  • Express themselves honestly and assertively without attacking.

A Healthy Choice for Marriages that are Ending

When a couple chooses to divorce, the necessary losses often create tremendous individual and family pain. An option for a divorcing couple is to engage in a formal process of mediation, which can spare them lengthy, and costly legal battles. Mediation is a facilitated, non-adversarial negotiation in which a specially trained third party becomes involved for the purpose of guiding, coaching and encouraging the couple to the successful resolution of their differences. This process helps separating or divorcing couples handle their disputes and resolve any areas of contention they may have or foresee. Mediation allows individuals to exercise self-determination in making parental decisions, rather than facing the consequences or ramifications of settling a dispute through the court.

Benefits to engaging a mediator include:

• Helping parents make crucial decisions in the best interest of the child/children.
• Helping parents discuss and resolve issues such as: vacations, visitation, holidays, visits with grandparents, travel outside of geographic area, relocation.
• Bedtime, allowances, homework, extracurricular activities, consequences for behavior, weekend activities, summer camp and school problems or concerns.
• Religious education.
• Emergency treatment, handling illness.
• Fair resolution of financial issues.

At the Center for Psychological Services, We Believe Life is About Choices

As the New Year begins, remember that while there may be no easy answers for the challenges marriage presents, there are caring, knowledgeable, sensitive mental health professionals available to help you explore your options, and empower you to make the best choices for yourself, your children and your future.

For more information about counseling or mediation, please call
Bruce V. Miller, Ph.D., Director at (610) 642-4873 x24

Good Parenting: A Work of Art Rather than an Exact Science

Then maybe you won't have to get all stressed out trying to be perfect parents (which is mission impossible anyway). I read a bumper sticker that said the two greatest gifts you can give your children are roots and wings. I really like that message.

To me, ROOTS means that I have a good foundation, that I feel loved and emotionally connected to you. I need to know I am safe with and supported by you. I need to know that you like me and you're proud to be my parents. You can show me by respecting me, and by being clear about how I can respect you. I can't read minds; so I don't always know what you want or expect from me. I need a family where the limits and boundaries are clear and understood by everyone. More than ever, I need to know what my limits and boundaries are! (Please keep in mind that I will test this sometimes. This is part of my job description as your teenager, so have some patience.) I hate to admit this, but when I do step over the boundaries or act inappropriately, I need to know ahead of time what the consequences will be and that you really will follow through with them.

To me, WINGS means that I be allowed to discover things on my own. I also hate to admit that I do depend on you to tell me what is appropriate for my age and what isn't. I depend on you to teach me how to mange my impulses, how to consider all the possible options, how to have goals and learn to work efficiently to achieve them. Those are the skills I hear adults say you need to live a successful and independent life. But most of all, I depend on you to have faith in me to let me fly solo. Then, I need you to be there to listen to me, help me get up when I fall, and continue to help me make the best choices for myself.

Love,

Your Teenager


Tips for Successfully Parenting Your Teen


Wouldn't it be wonderful if all our children gave us such clear instructions? Unfortunately, children are not born with instruction manuals. Sometimes, parenting books are helpful; however, the simple requests and guidelines contained in this imaginary letter from a teenager are really quite good enough! By the way, this letter is a compilation of what teenagers have told us over the years; and we really try hard to listen.

Adolescent development requires opportunities to learn in the real laboratories that life provides: family, school, sports, peer relationships, employment. Teens must occasionally make mistakes, suffer disappointment, and choose poor options for themselves to develop good judgment and the courage to face less than perfect outcomes.

Rather than requiring a perfect performance, parenting is more of a balancing and juggling act. The decisions you are called upon to make are often in shades of grey, calling for flexibility, the willingness to constantly assess and reassess how things are working, and make changes when indicated. Parenting is a work of art rather than an exact science.

This means you need to give up the fantasy of "getting it right" the first and every time. Remember, a really great batting average is only .300; nowhere near the 1000 a perfect score requires. If you need to be right all the time, you will communicate this need to your teen. They in turn will interpret this as a requirement that they, too, need to be perfect before you can be satisfied and proud of them.

Here are some suggestions for doing a good enough job:

1. Listen more than you talk. Allow them to express their own feelings without judgment. Try to empathize even when you don't agree.
   
   
2. Don't lecture. They despise lectures. Set an example by your behavior. Teenagers carefully observe what you do and whether your acts are consistent with your principles and ethics.
   
   
3. Lighten up! Have a sense of humor! If you are too serious all the time, it scares them. Why would they want to grow up if it means that life doesn't have its funny side?
   
   
4. Have faith. As the saying goes, "don't sweat the small stuff". Trust that everything will turn out okay, and that being okay is good enough!

If you would like to develop your skills and ability to communicate with your teen, we are here to help. Please feel free to contact us for information about lectures, workshops, individual and/or family counseling.

Practical Gardening Tips for Raising a Happy Child

Talking to Your Children about Safe and Responsible Internet Use

Although the availablitily of blocking software and other parental controls can limit unwanted access, it is important to face the reality that kids can get around these limits fairly easily. No matter how hard we try, there is no way to guarantee that children won’t come into contact with material we may consider to be inappropriate. The only real way to increase safety is to create an environment in which they can ask questions and expect honest answers, an environment where they can count on adult help if they get into trouble. If you create this kind of environment, kids are more likely to follow the rules you set.

What follows are some practical guidelines for talking to your children about safe and responsible internet use. If both parents are involved in childrearing decisions, it is important to discuss and come to an agreement regarding what the rules should be about internet use at home. The first principle of communicating with children is to listen to them:

1) Give your full attention and listen without .interrupting
2) Acknowledge their feelings
3) Give a name to the feelings
4) Identify their wishes and frustrations
5) Resist the temptation to:
.....a) give advice right away
.....b) deny feelings
.....c) give orders
.....d) act like a policeman
.....e) make threats

In order to maximize the likelihood that your kids will understand and comply with your household rules, consider the following:

1) How you say something is just as important as what you say. If your body language or tone of voice communicates something different than your words, your message will not be clear. When kids get mixed messages about something, they may be confused or may not follow through. You need to convey the attitude that you see them as capable people who will do the responsible thing once they are made aware if it.

If you instead communicate that they’re untrustworthy or incapable, they may feel defeated, angry and not feel empowered to follow through on what you tell them.

2) When you sit down to discuss these issues with your children, start off by asking them what they know about it. Be patient and listen, if you sit poised to jump in with what you want to say, you create an atmosphere in which children are less likely to feel listened to.

3) Pay attention to the words you use: avoid using words like “stupid” or “irresponsible.” These can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

4) It may be a good thing to sit down with your kids and ask them to show you their favorite websites, and explain how to do some things with the computer. It shows that you are interested, and respect their expertise.

5) Some parents are afraid to bring up certain topics with their children, because they’re afraid that they’ll be putting ideas in their heads. You are not protecting your children by avoiding these subjects. They will undoubtedly be exposed to them elsewhere, and perhaps not in an environment where they feel safe asking questions and can count on accurate information.

6) Kids need to know that things they do online that are illegal are considered to be criminal acts. And if the illegal activity happens across state lines, it is considered a federal crime. Kids have gone to court and been incarcerated for things they have done in on the Internet.

7) Move the computer to a public space where you can better monitor your child's activities.